Since July a piece of me has been missing. The struggles that come along with a miscarriage are so overwhelming and heartbreaking that you wish the world would stop for 5 min and let you take a breath. The way something so wonderful can just turn into something so devastating thing is a hard thing to grasp. I love being a mom, and this is always a fear of mine when we find out we are pregnant, and then to have it come true you have no choice but to accept it, that is so hard to accept something you just don't want to do, that you wish you didn't have to. I hated when people said things like " focus on the 2 your have", like I could forget them or something? Or " be grateful for your 2 healthy ones", of course I am??? or " It wasn't in God's plans", What about my plans?? I realize they were only trying to help, but the anger was so strong and so forceful that those words all bothered me, made me cringe.
But since then we recently found out we were expecting again, and I couldn't believe it. Was I "replacing" my baby? Was this a quick fix? Is it the easy way out to forget? But I as this pregnancy progresses I realize no I am not "replacing" a baby, I just have that much love. Its not a quick fix because I think I bout my Angel Baby all the time, so I also can't forget him/her. I honestly think if we would had to discuss another baby, it would have never happened or we would have waited a long time, simply because of fear of losing another, or criticism from others about being too soon would all be so devastating.
I will always miss my Angel baby, always. But the anger is not so strong, and I don't collapse when I think about it, I just cry and I have come to terms that that is okay. That piece will always be missing. I just have to hold one to simple fact that the baby due on Feb. 29th was not suppose to be, and even though it will feel like forever until I see him/her I will one day. But God has given me another precious gift, to love and carry, and teach and be blessed with. I am 10 weeks 6 days today.
Jeremiah 29:11
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