Sacrifice

Lately I feel like I have neglected Rebekah.  She has to go to daycare, she has to drink from a bottle, she has to sometimes cry in a swing, when the whole time I am in school, in church, or a practice I have to leave her in the care of others and trust that they will do as best of a job they can without me there.  Honestly it is a struggle to lay her in the swing every morning and walk out the door to class, or prayer meeting, or because I have to pack and clean.  I am a firm believer children should always be with their mother as much as possible.  Not shelter them, not suffocate them, but be with them, enjoy them.  I miss being able to do whatever I wanted with all my children during the day.  But with Rebekah she will never get what the other girls did.  I am not with her 24 hours, I am not the one laying her down for a nap, or feeding her all the time, or changing her diaper.  I get that some moms need a break, need a relief, or have to provide for their family, that being apart from them is what they need to be the best and that is fine that is their choice.  But it breaks heart that I have to choose between a hour of cleaning/packing/studying and holding her while she is still small. No, she won't remember these days, but I will.  I remember Bella-Grace, I remember rocking her to sleep, I remember rubbing her head because it was the only way to close her eyes, and I remember making her giggle just by squeaking my voice.  With Alexandria I remember having to sing in her ear just to stop her from screaming, I remember nursing her in bed at night after Bella-Grace was sleeping, I remember her laugh was so contagious and she smiled so early whenever I talked. They were my living, that's what I did all day. Take care of them.  Now my calling has changed and I am in school to be an officer, with that come sacrifices. And one of those sacrifices is leaving Rebekah daily. I hate that I can't make the same memories for her, breaks my heart.  It breaks my heart that I have to work, that I have to be away from my family. I realize this is just for a season and another season will come and there will be struggles have to be away.. But I love her. I want to be with her.  I don't ever want her to feel less loved, overlooked, or even as far as forgotten that she is the youngest, the one born in training, the one who doesn't get to spend her infant life with me.  I love her.  She is my gem after struggles and hardships in getting her, and then having her here at school.  She is perfect and she is mine. In the end, I cherish her all the more when I do have her, and share her very little. (Then again I am not very good at sharing my children in general).